What shall we do today?

I don't think I'm very well at the moment, tired and dizzy a lot of the time and I don't have an appetite anymore. I just went to the gym an passed out. I think I need to get out of Melbourne and come back to Adelaide and recharge myself.

It's been weird recently, some things working, some things falling through, good days and bad days.

I have been in regular contact with the admissions clerk at TVI studios in NY. He seems to think there is a good chance I will get into the course I have applied for. It is an eight week program that helps you find work after you leave and that helps you also get a visa to stay in the states longer than 90 days, which is what I'm planning on. I also entered the green card lottery the other day, I figure I'm at the point now where I really need to hedge my bets and explore any option.

I'm so bummed about the way I'm feeling right now, but i know this feeling has an expiry date so I know that eventually I'll be ok. I'm pretty happy about coming home, having some normality in my life for a few months, working at a job (which I haven't got yet but I'm praying for) not paying rent and being able to save money. Also from Adelaide I'm going to have the time, energy and money to be able to pursue my creative project s that for some reason I haven't been able to do here. Melbourne is a little too draining for me to be creative. It's irritating because there is art everywhere, but I just cannot launch myself into it. Whether it because I don't know the right people or I haven't got the time to commit, but whatever it is, I get the feeling that maybe it's just because I don't WANT to take part. The past two years have left a massive dent in my artistic ego, I'm doubting my abilities and my talent, which is something I have never felt as badly as I do here. I'm become this person who lives with cotton wool in her head. I forgot one of my best friends birthdays yesterday...I'm such an asshole.

I'm standing in my kitchen in the process of cooking my dinner. the knife slips and i cut the tip of my thumb off. i call to my housemate for a bandaid, she eventually makes her way to the kitchen to find one for me. as blood is pissing everywhere, i ask for toilet paper to stop the blood. she says, "paper towel?" I say "anything, just quickly please", in a tone not rude, but with a sense of urgency. she says "settle yourself" as she slowly shuffles off to fetch some toilet paper. She leaves the bandaid and the toilet paper next to me, and wanders back to the lounge, humming the big brother theme tune along to the tv. I burst into tears of frustration as I wonder why some people in life just do not possess the simple human empathy and "give-a-shit"ness that I thought most people had, somewhere deep inside them. Situation reversed....I wouldn't have let a drop of blood touch the floor....but maybe I'm just a saint....except I'm not, far from it, and I don't think its much to ask to have the same level of care for one's friends...

I wish I could care less.....I wish I had the ignorance to just be blindsighted to when my friends are in trouble or need help. Above is case study no 1.

Study no.2
last night I stood on a dark street, in the middle of a suburb of melbourne I didn't know, for 25 mins in the middle of the night, for absolutely no reason...except that my safety and comfort was not of importance to those around me....unluckily, I happened to be accosted in that 25 mins by a man demanding money and cigarettes, who then tried to grab my handbag in order to "prove" i had no such items.... All this because I wasn't allowed into a house.....

I'm crying with frustration....someone restore my faith in humanity and my ability to chose friends.....not all....just some.

i just noticed that my last entry was 46 weeks ago....that is completely criminal....that's almost a year. I have had so much to talk about since then, and have not once referred to my trusted livejournal to vent. I feel slightly ashamed. once again at a cross road I start to wonder whether one's entire life is made up of cross roads and intersections, in which case is there any straight lines ever? is there ever a simple option, is the road less travelled actually less travelled, or do we continue to wander around in squares, ultimately ending up at the same place, just poorer and only slightly wiser. why is it that after months and months of lament, a little parcel lands on my doorstep, i take one look at it and stamp a huge "return to sender" mark across the forehead. what is my problem and when it is be fixed....if not fixed, then eclipsed by something more important.

i went out the other night, with the aim of making 5 new friends that weren't from vca or beccas fashion design course.

we almost did it. fiona is a lovely girl who is going to lead us to a treasure trove of good condition and cheap vinyls!!!

i am going to a lot of concerts.
klaxons, bloc party, gotye, fob, the cure......this makes me sooo sooo sooo happy!

there is a boy, my housemate thinks i'm obsessed. he is so lovely, and so handsome, gives me butterflies, he kissed my arm when i burnt it. pity about the girlfriend (although his behaviour suggests she won't be around for long, but it will not be my doing, that's just horrible, and i kind of know what it feels like, in a little way

lots of new music for me! lovely boys bringing music and lunch! i have 12 new brothers....it's a safe feeling.

stupid head is still stupid head....i have decided to rid myself of toxic people, and he is arsenic.

i love you all

bby the way, i'm writing this from adelaide so CALL ME!


mel xoxoxox

standing in ms...flapping my arms about, trying so hard to work autonomously.

the best i've come up with is fingers puppets.

got my report card yesterday, am generally happy.
needs improvement for voice,
very good for movement,
excellent/satisfactory for acting unit 1
(we only need to pass acting to continue)

for all that understand and care, i am happy with this.

had a great chat last night, my head is coming together.
i am going off to buy tix to fob and kaiser chiefs (yeah that's right holly)

i am slowly moving to myspace....when i come home i'll update it and put a photo on it and the like.

i'm looking forward to seeing everyone again...kat and soph, can i come play netball one night?

love youse all.


xxoxoxox

i am fairly happy today, i have a bit of a sore throat, but i am happy.

as i previously noted, i would like a boyfriend asap, all applicants should forward their resume to melodrama_blue@hotmail.com....please, no one over 26.


i have a project, he is sweet, his gf is mousy.....we shall see maj, shan't we?!

I am working the bar at school again tonight, i think i might get a job next semester, i do like working, i miss it. I kind of miss the general trader actually. i went to the one in melbourne central the other day and the girls there are mole faces who have zero customer service skills!

for those not understanding my last post it was about this conversation with ex boy.

"so you are willing to try long distance with her and not with me"
" yeah"
" righto, do you understand how much that hurts?"
"yeah i do"
"so why"
"i dunno"
"is it cuz you love her more than you loved me?"
"yeah maybe"

stung like a fucking bee.....but bee stings heal, quite quickly i find.

i'm off....ta ta

maybe i love her a little more than you.....


righto, good luck with that





i would like a boyfriend, soon as possible please.


fought over a lovely looking long haired boy with lia the other night..ha ha,

i still liked the first one better!

wow.....i think things just took a turn for the better!


this school is like an amplified and sped up version of life....very odd....everything happens so fast and one's emotional states change like the tide.

he is a bit dreamy....i'll bring a pic home in the holidays to show you girls!

so far there have only been a few interactions, but, it gives me hope....oh who am i kidding really? i'm a bit hopeless!

my hair is in pigtails, i feel happy!

wow.....terrible experience.

a slap in the face, and unexpected trip in the middle of the street, with a tram load of people watching....thinking you're on the same path, and then finding out you are completely lost in the woods..."i think it will change things, I hope you're not mad, I just don't want you to get hurt"


hurt this asshole.




anywhoo,

I think i may have psychic (not psycho) abilities, it seems a lot of things that I have been wanting or picturing are slowly, one by one coming to light. I was wishing I knew more people from outside of school the other day and what happened? I bumped into a girl I went to high school with on lygon street, haven't seen her for four years, turns out she's lived here for three.....how amazing.

the second thing was, I have always pictured myself living away from home in a lovely victorian style house with high ceilings and fireplaces in the bedrooms and wooden floorboards, and my little apartment sure is not that......but....last night I was asked, by a friend of my housemates, who has become my friend also, if sam (my housemate) and i would like to move into a house that her family owns, in.....wait for it.....south melbourne!!!! really lovely suburb, if you can call it a suburb......more like a postcode, but it's right by the yarra and close to the city and the house is an old victorian style house with high ceilings and wooden floorboards! rent will be under $100 a week (thank you lord) my rent has just gone up to about $150 a week, and our landlady is a whore. Nothing's set in stone yet, but I hope it comes to fruition, it would be nice to live in a house, rather than a small apartment, and south melbourne is so freakin close to school....yay! Mum still wants to buy a place, but now there's not so much stress to find somewhere i love immediately.

aparently, I'm a shameless flirt......who knew?! oh dear....i think i'm a bit boy crazy again girls! i think it probably makes it worse that now it's not in the pure and innocent virginal way!

i knocked myself out on a cement pillar in class yesterday arvo.....so this morning i'm at the "doctors" instead of in class......i couldn't face it. it really fucking hurt.....i was committing suicide and i put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger and i went limp and had to fall deadweight, except i fell sideways into the pillar and scraped the skin off my thigh and arm, through my cloths, and knocked my temple......i feel a little ill this morning.

i'm coming home soon....in june, so i want some catchups! i'll be home for 2 weeks, depending on how far along i am with my life story ( a solo piece all the 1st years have to perform for the rest of the school first week back of term 3) so i may be freaking out.....never mind.

ming mang mong, all the cows go bong...

kat and sophie, have you pre-ordered the new harry potter? they are having a crazy sale of it for $19.95 in this little bookshop here when it comes out...is that quite cheap? it seemed a bit cheap? unless they are starting to charge by the page, in which case it may be a thin and shit book.....but i doubt it.


i am going to see klaxons and bloc party, this makes me happy!

ta ta
much love
me xoxoxoxoxo

"i will get rid of her....nasty little bitch.

i haven't gone psycho or homicidal.....i will just make her life a living hell till i get what i want

she should sleep with one eye open"


please pass this on....you know who you are

i've missed livejournal.
i think the lack of being able to spew forth via keyboard has meant I have bottled things up and this accounts for the emo wreck i have been of late.

desperately trying to go through the rebellious stage that most go through at 15....still seeking parental approval to get lip pierced,......argh!

still not allowed to have a vespa......fuck it

she loves him......thought it would bother me....not really....very happy honestly......good luck biatch ha ha ha ha! (this is a random abstract of my thoughts....not particularly related to anything or anyone so don't get precious...ok?)

have drunk more red wine in the last 4 months that in my entire life.....brilliant.....spunkbomb ha!

no i'm not on drugs.....i'll be more lucid next lj entry i promise....i hope this outpouring is entertaining...nonetheless...

acting class is pulse...all about sex and violence....brilliant.

introduced a friend to lynch via blue velvet.....should have taken photos of his reactions!


i think i'm falling again.....stop it you stupid cow...it's just sex....uh oh.


no i'm not really....i can't talk myself out of it.


methinks i've said too much.


night!


ps. i miss my friends....can you all please e-mail me? thanks.

love youse all (that was a joke sophie, do not become enraged!)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

interesting week and not necessarily in a good way....

I'm learning that part of living away from everyone and ' doing things for myself' is that i also fuck up by myself, royally and completely. i may have tonsilitis, as they are sitting in my throat like two golfs balls.
the bunny is fine, the house is fine, the weather is colder, thank christ, i am slightly scattered.

i'm really missing home now, my brain has finally realised this isn't a holiday, i miss the boy, now ex-boy (which, before you all freak out, we are great, best of friends, very happy and good about it all, i still love him dearly and want to be with him in 3 years when i'm done with study) and i miss mum and chico. i love the fact that people are still including me and inviting me to things like i'm there (keep doing it!) i don't think i'll make the 24th, but please all give mark a hug from me and wish him happy birthday. i'll be back for easter and seeing me in these few days will be compulsory. *narrows eyes menacingly* people are generally lovely here, not too many arguments, in fact nothing substantial at all.....i hate being poor, and being too tired to cook when i get home.

i went out saturday night, oh dear lord, there must have been better places to attend, the first place was cool, from there it went down hill....i was terribly drunk (5 drinks) and i didn't go to bed at all, i got home at 6am....this is what happens when you let your housemate 'show you the town'....holy fucking shit.

my legs feel like they have been in a vice......i did capoiera (brazillian martial arts dance) yesterday, holy crap, so painful....and we are doing neutral mask (wtf?) hopefully it will make me a better actor (even if i can't see it yet!)

ok that;s enough, my critical studies partner tom is getting pissed off because i'm not actually contributing to our assingment (250 words, what a joke) anywhoo....see ya'll real soon


love to many and all

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

i am sore all over, my calves especially....

it is hot and i am sick

i have a feeling of 'yummy excitment'...a sickening dizzness that makes me remember what it was like to be n year 8 again and have everything new and wonderful open to me. how extraordinary it is to be somewhere i can play, freely and without judgement, and to not only be able to be myself completely, but to be loved unconditionally for it.

I haven't written on here for a while, been a little busy.

So stick with me, and you'll find out what i have been doing for the past month.

1. I moved into my apartment, and met sam, my housemate.
We are freakishly alike, excpet she is a little more sane than i.

2. I started school, and attended two of the best parties i have ever been to. they were a tribute to those wonderful house parties from high school days.

3. i fell in love...his name is mercutio and he is adorable. by the way, he is a baby dwarf bunny (pics to follow)

4. I met 27 amazing people.. they are...
alice, kev, matt, maj, alex, alex, emily, emaly, karen, carla, kade, josh, sam, gabe, mike, damien, lia, sarah, bec, hannah, faustina, lochie, nikki, annie, lucy, tom and muriel. also pics to follow...

5. i met many more amazing people in other years...will name them all later when there are photos. lots of them...

6. i sussed the tram situation...its all good...every 4 mins..whoo hoo!

7. I saw geoffry rush walk past school....twice....i swear he does it to torture the acting students.

8. i enticed a friend to come visit already! yay for the weekend

9. i learned the tough lesson of what happens when one cant be fucked cooking, one does not eat and one gets a cold.

10. i had and am having the best time of my life.....i am truly blessed.


everyone keep in touch, i will be home for easter. see yall soon!


lots of love
mel
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I have spent 16 hours in my mum's bright yellow car "betty" over the last 3 days, and I didn't know sitting on one's ass all day was so tiring! The reason for this was to find a home, for the next year at least. As we drove over the bridge leading into melbourne i had a teary moment, just of excitment (kind of like you kat, when you moved here!) I felt sick and nervous and scared and happy all at the same time. Mum and I were stuffed on the first day after driving all day, so consequently spent the rest of the day lying in our apartment in st kilda. The next day we were up bright and early to go look at school and trams and accom. The school is, well, very dramaery. it's apparently known as the liquorice building, cuz it has massive coloured metal sheets covering the front. I was looking for some admin people to give me my student card etc, and i asked a lovely man for directions and he turned out to be the head of the school of production, and he said he would be seeing me often this year...i think this means the directing students absolutely kane us! Then after that, mum and i went to the parkville campus of melbourne uni to look for student accom. oh my god the grounds are gorgeous, the buildings look like hogwarts (sophie and kat you'd love it!) i took down some numbers, visited a few tips (seriously, i know i can't be picky but come on!) and finally went to visit a girl called sam who i met through an internet housemate site. the apartment is right in the middle of parkville (a nice area) smack bang between princes park (where the bdo is held) and the zoo....fuck it's an awesome street, its called the avenue. some really lovely houses along there too (i'll have to make friends with the neighbours) but the long and short of it is I have a house! i'm very happy, sam is cool and i think it will really be home to me, somewhere warm to go and cry when i miss everyone and adelaide. I'm so weak tho, i've already decided when i'm coming home! anyway, enough from me...

everyone come to my jjj bbq on the 26th, bring meat and bathers and alcohol, it's probably my unofficial goodbye, i'll message you all with details!
(its not at my house, its at my friends house but he's in india....he'll never know! love you ross, just in case you read this!)

see you really good looking people tomorrow night!

xoxoxoxox

I have my boy back, for a little while at least, I missed him so it's nice to have him to hug again.

I may have found a house. since the other one fell through, i have been searching the easy roommate site for a quiet place near the city and there is a girl with a room free in her 2 bedroom apartment, which is 5 mins from the city and 15 mins max from school. I need a home.

I watched centre stage and so you think you can dance last night. I love travis. he is wonderful. so is allison. I watched centre stage and wished i could do pointe. i wish i could dance full stop. I hope school is as demanding and tiring and competitive as the movie, in fact i think someone should film it.

I saw babel the other day.....at the end i felt dry and dirty and thirsty and sunburnt and utterly depressed and relieved at the same time. it was brilliant and frustrating and made me so so so angry.

oh i just have to say one thing.....na na na na na! to that person who thinks they are so all knowing i poke my tongue out to you! big day out is sold out and now you miss out cuz you were being a stupid head.....i should have made that bet!

I have to enrol today....fuck its hard when the site doesn't work and you can't just pop over to the school to go to enrolment support....fuckers

it just occured to me that kat might have thought the bdo stab was about her...it's not! don't worry!


yes sophie i am having a farewell thing, two in fact. a dinner for us and drinks at rocket for everyone. probably on the 5th of feb are the drinks and i'll have to think about the dinner later, when i have time, it might just be fast food in the park! unless you can think of something else.....?

My account at the emotion bank is well overdrawn.

In the last few weeks I have not wanted to leave home, to desperately needing to get out, to being excited, and now with two messages, i'm back to where i started, not wanting to leave and being too scared of what I might find. I think I may be all alone in the lj world, as many have abandoned their internet geekery for much more exciting, sun worshipping activities.

I am being slowly but surely pushed away to make the transition between maybe and definitely and easier one, but it is just as painful. the simple inclusion of a last name in a long list of loved ones has put me in a spin, three simple letters used to define me in lovers' eyes, now it has become more complicated, like my family name is there just to remind people who i am, now i am soon to be needed in my past capacity no longer.

what if i gave it all up and spent the rest of my life unhappy because i was too scared to try? i don't think i could hate myself more if i did but there is something carthartic about wondering what if?

I am bored....BORED! I don't like being insanely busy, but i don't like having too much time to myself to sit and think either...i guess there's just no pleasing some people. If anyone else is also very bored...call me! unless you are too busy with other things, in which case....dont. i am awaiting phone calls....i'm frustrated, i want to know whether or not i should go shopping at work for housey things. I have chilli in my eye, i was cooking dinner for tonight and rubbed my eye.........AHHH! VCA JUST CALLED ME! excuse me.......

goddamnit...just boring admin shit....no news yet.

boy officially leaves on monday.....and thus, candy has promised to look after me and we will laugh at people on so you think you can dance, and consume mulitple bottles of wine! I keep trying to tell myself that it's not definitive, but it probably is.

I am annoyed with some people, and they know who they are, and very disappointed in their recent attitudes and life choices (i am not the only one, just the most vocal)...they need to realise that the whole world isn't about them and that they should listen to their friends more often.....because one day, they wont be there when it all goes to shit and they get hurt.

On a completely different note, thank you so much to all my lovely friends who came to support me in the show on friday night...i apologise for the lycra, i had no idea, really, i was just as shocked as you! I had fun though, and took a few 5 year olds' eyes out (those who were there know what i mean!)

I will write again sooner, now i have time to sit on my ass all day.....hopefully with good news!

ah lj, my long lost friend...

i am tired, my muscles are sore, i'm a whinger.....


The past week has made me want to cry, in a good "oh my god my life is finally working itself out and i'm getting what i deserve" kind of way. it has been truly overwhelming...

being validated in such a spectacluar way....even if none of it comes to fruition, my sense of self belief has been well and truly restored.

quote of the week:

"I am the Liza Minnelli of St Brigid's" (said in a sexy and provocative voice with eye movements to match)
"I have to stop you there...Do you know who Liza Minnelli is?"
"Um...yeah, she was the, um..."
"She was in Cabaret"
"Oh yeah, the Cabaret singer"
"The daughter of Judy!"
"Judy...?"
"Have you seen Wizard of Oz?"


oh dear....

i am still alive...just.

i am trying to deal with various types of impending doom that are trying to crush down on me all at once. With the handing up of my thesis, I felt a sense of relief, much like the one i felt after finishing my last year 12 exam. that feeling lasted for about 10 minutes at it was then replaced with a feeling of dread....25 hours of work a week, 6 monologues, 3 songs, 1 show, any number of appointments and christmas related parties, and the ending of something that has completed my life for the past year and 4 months.

i'm going to have a gut wrenchingly bittersweet next 2 months.

i am allowing my thoughts to overcome my actions and i'm not entirely happy or comfortable with this. instead of doing things that i thought i would be so eager to do as soon as humanly possible, i have left them, and left them, and now i have 5 days to get it together. maybe what i think i want isnt really what i want at all. but i have always prided myself on knowing exactly what i want to do and a million back up plans to eventually get there, any way i could. and now i'm not so sure.


side note: who the hell would want to make their mobile phone ringtone "as annoying as possible" with tones such as scratching nails down a blackboard or a drill? idiots


i think maybe i need a year to think, so i dont think i will apply to schools, instead put the money towards a plane trip that will take me as far away from adelaide as possible. i have never taken a big risk, and i think i need to do this. completely by myself. i plan to not know where i'm going either, france would be too safe, simply because i would be going straight into a job, an income and a roof over my head. any suggestions as to where i could go?